“No matter what the size, color, or shape is, the point is still to lean toward the discomfort of life and see it clearly rather than to protect ourselves from it.” - Pema Chödrön
Facing anxiety requires leaning towards discomfort.
Most of us are wired to move away from discomfort, especially when anxiety is involved. Anxiety is protective by nature: it scans for what could go wrong, tries to predict what is coming, and becomes especially interested in uncertainty, unfamiliarity, and anything outside of our control. As Lynn Lyons puts it, “Anxiety hates uncertainty and discomfort, and it works very hard to avoid both.”
The tricky part is that anxiety can start treating the feeling of safety as a requirement before we act, even when we are already safe enough to move forward. That’s where avoidance, reassurance-seeking, overplanning, checking, perfectionism, and waiting until we “feel ready” can start to take over.
Those strategies make sense because they often work in the short term. We feel better. But when relief repeatedly comes from escaping uncertainty or discomfort, the brain can begin learning that the discomfort itself was something we needed protection from.
What happens when anxiety starts running the show?
Anxiety gets louder when we repeatedly organize our lives around trying not to feel it. Avoidance, reassurance, checking, overpreparing, perfectionism, and trying to control every possible outcome can all bring relief in the moment, which makes them incredibly reinforcing.
The problem is that short-term relief can quietly become long-term restriction. We take fewer risks. We become less willing to tolerate uncertainty. We start trusting the anxious prediction more than our own ability to handle what happens next.
Over time, life can get smaller around anxiety. Sometimes dramatically, and sometimes in ways that are easy to miss: turning down opportunities, avoiding conversations, needing more reassurance before making decisions, or waiting to feel completely certain before moving forward.
A lot of anxiety work is about rebuilding confidence through experience. Learning that you can feel nervous, uncertain, embarrassed, disappointed, or afraid and still stay present, make choices, and keep moving toward the life you want.
What anxiety can look like →
Anxiety can show up in obvious ways, but it can also hide inside habits that look productive, responsible, or even high-functioning from the outside.
Overthinking
Replaying conversations, mentally rehearsing what might happen, or repeatedly analyzing situations in an effort to feel more certain or prepared.
Needing certainty before moving forward
Struggling to make a decision or take action without enough reassurance, information, or confidence that you’re making the “right” choice.
Physical tension and activation
Experiencing a racing heart, tight chest, nausea, restlessness, muscle tension, or other body-based signs of alarm.
Avoidance or reassurance-seeking
Pulling back from situations that trigger anxiety, repeatedly checking with others, or revisiting details in an effort to feel safer or more certain.
Anxiety hidden inside high-functioning patterns
Appearing capable, organized, and productive while relying on perfectionism, overpreparation, control, or constant self-monitoring to manage anxiety.
Difficulty resting
Feeling unable to fully switch off because your mind keeps scanning for what needs attention, what might go wrong, or what you may have missed.
How can anxiety shape the whole family system?
Anxiety rarely affects only the person who feels it. In children and teens especially, worry can begin shaping school attendance, sleep, friendships, activities, family routines, and how much independence feels manageable. Parents and caregivers can understandably get pulled into the anxiety too, often because they are trying to help.
I’m especially influenced here by Lynn Lyons’ work with anxious kids and families. Anxiety wants certainty, comfort, and predictability, and families can start organizing themselves around providing those things. We answer the same question again, change the plan, help a child avoid something overwhelming, or step in quickly because watching someone we love struggle is hard.
Sometimes those responses are useful and appropriate. Other times, they can accidentally teach anxiety that discomfort really is something the family needs to protect against. Over time, the system can become increasingly organized around keeping anxiety down rather than helping the child or teen build confidence in their ability to handle uncertainty, discomfort, and things not going exactly as planned.
When I work with children, teens, and families around anxiety, I’m often paying attention to both the individual worry and the patterns surrounding it. We may work on helping the young person recognize how anxiety operates, practice tolerating uncertainty, and take manageable risks while also helping parents stay connected and supportive without becoming recruited into every demand anxiety makes.
What we can work toward →
The goal isn’t to eliminate every anxious thought or never feel stressed again. Anxiety is part of being human and can be useful when something genuinely needs your attention. We’re working toward a life that isn’t increasingly organized around avoiding uncertainty or discomfort. Instead, we may work toward:
More room before reacting
Noticing anxiety without immediately having to do whatever it tells you to do.
Less avoidance
Reducing the amount of life organized around escaping anxiety, seeking reassurance, or waiting until you feel completely ready.
More trust in yourself
Feeling more confident in your ability to make decisions, tolerate mistakes, and respond to problems if they arise — even when you can’t know exactly how things will go.
More willingness to experience discomfort
Feeling more able to let anxiety, uncertainty, or physical activation be present without immediately needing to fix, escape, or neutralize it..
More presence
Spending less time mentally preparing for what might happen and more time participating in what is happening.
Greater tolerance for uncertainty
Moving forward without needing complete confidence about what happens next.
How I approach this work
We’ll start by getting curious about the anxiety pattern itself: what it looks like, what seems to reinforce it, what your mind and body are trying to protect you from, and what you want to be different. From there, we may work with avoidance and reassurance patterns, build greater tolerance for uncertainty, practice moving toward meaningful experiences before anxiety gives you permission, or work more directly with earlier experiences and body-based responses that continue to keep the alarm active. I draw from ACT, EMDR, DBR, Positive Psychology, and exposure-based principles depending on what seems most useful.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT is a useful tool when anxiety, avoidance, or the need for certainty is narrowing your choices. We’ll practice making room for what shows up while choosing actions that better reflect your values.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
We may turn to EMDR when anxiety seems connected to when anxiety seems connected to earlier experiences or memories that continue to feel active in the present.
Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR)
DBR may be useful for working with present-day moments of impact, especially when anxiety feels immediate, automatic, or strongly body-based. We can slow those moments down and work with what is happening underneath the response.
Positive Psychology
Positive Psychology helps us keep the work connected to more than symptom reduction by paying attention to the relationships, strengths, engagement, meaning, and experiences that make life feel fuller.
Ready for anxiety to take up less space?
You don’t have to wait until anxiety disappears to start living differently. We can begin with the places where it shows up most and work toward responses that feel more grounded, flexible, and like your own.