“We have become so used to the voice in our head, that we often forget we are engaging with ourselves at all.” - Steven C. Hayes
Relationship with myself, really?
Yes, and whether or not you acknowledge it, you have a relationship with yourself when we define relationship: to relate with something. You relate towards yourself all the time, whether you do it consciously or not. You respond to your emotions, interpret your needs, judge your reactions, make decisions about what you deserve, and tell yourself stories about what your choices and experiences mean about who you are.
Over time, those ways of relating become patterns. Some build trust with yourself. Others slowly erode it.
What kind of relationship do we want to cultivate with self?
You know yourself more intimately than anyone else ever will. You’re the person who is there for every thought, every reaction, every mistake, every longing, every moment you’re proud of and every one you’d rather forget. So I’m interested in what it would mean to become someone you can genuinely partner with from the inside. Someone who can be compassionate without looking away from accountability, who can tell the truth without becoming cruel, who can listen closely to what you’re feeling without assuming every feeling has to dictate what happens next. Someone who can recognize the parts of you that are scared, protective, angry, ashamed, ambitious, tender, or uncertain and become curious about what they’re trying to do for you.
In our relationships with others, a secure attachment gives us a safe base from which we can explore, take risks, make mistakes, and return for comfort when we need it. I think there is something powerful about cultivating that kind of security within yourself, too. Becoming someone you can return to. Someone you trust to respond with honesty, compassion, accountability, and care as you continue figuring out who you are and how you want to move through the world.
What a strained relationship with yourself can look like→
A strained relationship with yourself can show up in obvious ways, like harsh self-criticism, but it can also be quieter and harder to notice. Sometimes it looks like repeatedly overriding your own needs, doubting your reactions, or organizing your life around who you think you need to be. Over time, those patterns can make it harder to know what you actually feel, want, value, or trust in yourself.
Harsh self-criticism
Your internal voice may be demanding, dismissive, or quick to point out what you did wrong. Even when things go well, you may find yourself moving immediately to what could have been better.
Self-doubt and second-guessing
You may have a hard time trusting your own reactions, choices, or perceptions, and look outside yourself for reassurance before feeling confident in what you know.
People-pleasing or self-abandonment
You may become so practiced at anticipating what other people need that your own preferences, limits, or feelings become harder to access.
Shame and difficulty offering yourself compassion
You may understand self-compassion intellectually while still feeling resistant to it, or experience kindness toward yourself as undeserved, indulgent, or somehow wrong.
Disconnection from your own wants and values
You may know what you are supposed to want, what would make sense on paper, or what other people expect from you, while feeling less certain about what actually feels meaningful or authentic to you.
Perfectionism and overcontrol
You may feel safest when things are done correctly, predictably, or to a very high standard, and experience mistakes or uncertainty as especially difficult to tolerate.
What we can work toward →
The goal isn’t to become endlessly positive toward yourself or to never feel doubt, shame, fear, or disappointment. It is in helping you build a relationship with yourself that feels more trustworthy, more honest, and more able to hold complexity. One where you can stay connected to yourself even when you’re struggling.
More self-trust
Feeling more able to listen to your own reactions, make decisions, and trust that you can respond thoughtfully even when you don’t have complete certainty.
More self-compassion
Learning to respond to your own pain, mistakes, and limitations with care rather than immediately moving into criticism, shame, or punishment.
More connection to your needs and boundaries
Noticing what you need, what you have capacity for, what doesn’t feel right, and becoming more willing to let that information matter.
More internal partnership
Feeling increasingly able to stay curious about yourself, support yourself, challenge yourself, and return to yourself as a secure base while you continue growing.
More authenticity
Getting clearer about what feels true to you, what you value, what you want, and what parts of yourself you may have learned to minimize or organize around other people.
More accountability without collapse
Being able to recognize where you’ve made mistakes, take responsibility, and repair when needed without turning accountability into a verdict about who you are.
How I approach this work
When we work on your relationship with yourself, we’re often paying attention to the ways you’ve learned to respond internally: the parts of you that criticize, protect, avoid, overfunction, second-guess, or disappear. We’ll get curious about where those patterns came from, what they’re trying to do for you, and whether they still fit the life you’re trying to build now. My work here is influenced by ACT, Positive Psychology, EMDR, and DBR, and often includes helping you notice your internal experience more clearly, build more flexibility in how you respond to it, and practice relating to yourself with greater honesty, compassion, and trust.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT helps you notice how thoughts, feelings, and self-stories can start organizing your behavior without requiring you to get rid of them first. The work creates more space between what shows up internally and how you choose to respond, so your actions can become more connected to your values and the person you want to be.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
EMDR can help us work with experiences that shaped the way you came to see yourself. If certain beliefs, memories, or emotional reactions still feel especially charged, EMDR can help those experiences become less active in the present so you have more room to relate to yourself differently.
Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR)
DBR can be useful when self-doubt, shame, fear, or protective responses feel automatic and difficult to access through words alone. The work helps us slow down enough to notice what your system is doing underneath the surface and respond with more curiosity and less internal conflict.
Positive Psychology
Positive Psychology helps us pay attention to what supports meaning, connection, growth, and a sense of vitality in your life. In this work, that can include getting clearer about your strengths, values, and the parts of yourself you want to develop more intentionally.
Ready for life to feel more reachable again?
You don’t have to wait until you feel motivated to begin. We can start with where things feel hardest right now and work toward more connection, movement, and possibility at a pace that feels manageable.